I've got physiotherapy today.

For various reasons, I'm not looking forward to it. Since last time (which was last month, my therapist and I only meet once a month now, regularly), I haven't at all made the progress I wanted, the opposite rather. I overworked my foot a couple of weeks ago and haven't been able to walk properly until a few days ago, so all the things we'd agreed that I should try out, I haven't gotten around to (bus, standing up while washing my hair) and I feel kinda awful about it, which I know is stupid. She probably sees a lot of progress and the opposite in her work, but we're nearing the end of our journey together and I think, more than any of the physical stuff that I still can't do, which I can pretty easily practice, my anxiety is standing in my way.

We've already agreed that once we've finished our part of my rehab programme, I'll be sent off to group and team therapy in my local community and that would probably be fine for most people, but my social anxiety is making a big scene out of it and right now... I honestly can't imagine actually being able to go through with it? Not because I don't want to! But because there are so many steps to it, mentally, that I just can't see myself going through with it. Right now, just getting in a cab and being driven to PT is draining enough. Having to get on a bus by myself with all the anxiety that entails, then having to do exercises with other people with all the anxiety that entails and get on a bus home again??? How should I be able to handle that, it would be like going from 20 kmph to 100 kmph!

So, I need to talk to her about this today and I am not feeling like having to be that fucking adult. I hate having to admit to the shit I can't do. All the things I haven't been able to do for half a year now are bad enough, my mental stuff on top of that is just unfair, to be honest. Sigh. But it must be done and I've made a list to remind myself what to keep in mind and have discussed with her before I leave the studio today.



Yesterday was a wild one. I ran a Discord writing event from half past twelve (noon) until half past five in the afternoon and it was intense, but good! Productive! I managed to finish a 1500 word short story in this timeframe and am almost ready to post it to rainbowfic. It's a new Lilith/Mary story, but told from Mary's point of view which I think makes it easier to expand on the universe that I originally wrote about in The Lover of Lilith, since she is the one who grows the most after the events of that, both physically and emotionally.

It's kind of a coming out story? But also kind of a 'getting thrown out by your homophobic parents'-story. I do think it ends on a hopeful note, but it's kept deliberately vague and thus, it's probably not a comfortable read for people who have been and are in that situation themselves. However, I did think it was a fitting story for Pride month! And I liked it upon reread yesterday night, so we'll see what I think about it when I reread it again later today.

The title is "No Room In the Inn", as a reference to Mary's situation in the Bible. How we exclude others and are excluded, when we are different, or live different lives from what people expect of us due to societal norms etc.

I hope to be able to post it tonight. Still can't share The Lover of Lilith since it's still pending for the anthology I'm submitting it to, but hopefully at some point...



I really need the holidays to soon be upon us. I'm just... tired. Worn down and tired.

July can't get here soon enough!